Although the Tamburitza Association of America and its sponsorship of the annual Extravaganza has been reported as a likely medium for the proliferation of the known STDS (Sudden Tambura Distress Syndrome), the organization completely denies any responsibility as the cause or the carrier of the virus and states that STDS is an airborne phenomenom that is found to enter the ear and dramatically affect the heart.
Even though questions of liability remain untested in the courts, the TAA feels that at a minimum, it has a moral obligation to make the public aware of some of the symptoms of STDS and its related illness known as tambura fever, particularly since exposure seems to surround the TAA, regardless of the city they are in. For the benefit of new guests who are not immune to the fever, the TAA has reprinted excerpts from an article published by the Center for Balkan Studies (BS) and Balkan Music (BM).
Persons with exposure to tambura fever may experience the following:
1) sleep deprivation lasting approximately three to four days; 2) persons may be found wandering aimlessly through the hotel humming strange melodies they don't remember hearing before; 3) impulses to eat large quantities of grease-drenched hamburgers at 3 a.m.; 4) when relaxed, persons may experience an uncontrollable foot-tapping motion in one or both feet (in advanced stages of the illness, studies show persons all alone with feet moving rapidly as if to the beat of some Bulgarian dance) while complaining of loud fast music playing in their head.
Remedies for STDS are scarce but some homeopathic solutions are available over the counter. For starters, studies have found that a lack of lamb and onions in the diet can weaken the immune system and lower an individual's resistance to STDS. Eating two pounds of lamb with a bunch of green onions has been known to reduce, but not eliminate, some of the symptoms. Others in the study found relief after eating hot cevapcicis on warm pogacha with a tablespoon of freshly chopped cloves of garlic (side effect of this treatment was a fairly serious case of gas).
The most touted prescription which best relieved the symptoms of STDS was derived from some ancient fermented fruit drink discovered centuries ago by Monks in a hidden monastery in the mountains. Research shows that the Monks squeezed plums and let the juice ferment to produce a medicinal elixir which takes away both pain and appetite. Being the strongest remedy available, some side affects may be experienced, and one is cautioned from overdosing. By taking two shots of cold slivovice and chasing it immediately with cold ale (preferably from St. Louis), one will experience a warming sensation which moves rapidly from head to toe. This is followed by a relaxation of the central nervous system.
If you heed the advice of the medical studies, the songs you were hearing in your head before will disappear and be replaced with new ones. You may feel drowsy and nod off to sleep. Your short term memory will be erased and you won't remember where you were or what you got yourself into. These remedies cure some of the symptoms of the fever but do nothing for the addiction you have now acquired for the music and for being in small, crowded, smoke-filled rooms until 3 o'clock in the morning.
In conclusion, scientists from the Center for BS (Balkan Studies) and BM (Balkan Music) have not discovered a cure for tambura fever but have disclosed that one can live a long, happy and energetic life with the disease in an active state. They add that prolonged use or overdose of the remedies listed above may result in increased levels of cholesterol, possible blindness, and/or loss of all memory. These risks may be neutralized, however, with lowered blood pressure from large quantities of garlic and immunity to the common cold.